off to chile in a couple of hours ^.^

startled by a strange sense of melancholy.

i wish i was either. more selfless, such that it may never have progressed to such a stage, so much hurt for someone else. more selfish, such that it may have progressed just so, but that i can harden my heart and feel nothing for whoever is not me.

but i am here, in between. too selfish to give up the one thing i've wanted always, and only just found. not selfish enough to disregard all else.

stuck in such subtle shades of gray.

who would believe, i never intended to hurt anyone?

and yet, no excuses yx. none.

because i've read reviews about how beautiful the starry skies are in the desert at night, i was checking the weather forecast for san pedro and hoping that it wouldn't rain while i was there...

and then it hit me! whatever was i thinking? it's a desert! and atacama is the driest desert in the world, it won't rain!

so it's me, and my laughing twinkling stars at night ^.^

for the chile trip, i need to:

1) figure out the metro system
2) learn some basic spanish?
3) learn to read maps
4) learn to not look like a lost tourist
5) figure out the itinerary

all i want for christmas is a safe trip in chile!

three months ago, there was one saturday when i was drinking tea, looking out at the startlingly blue sky from my window and feeling such a bubble of happiness rise in me. i didn't think, i could be any happier.

now it's snowing. such cold snow, such pale beauty, so difficult to love because i am a girl of summer, a girl of the intense hues. i don't like winter, i never did, i still don't.

but, i love it.

i love it for the way it will always remind me of that moment in quebec, i love it for the long trek we took as the snow crunched beneath our shoes, as the snow flurried in the skies and everywhere around us. i love it because we share a dream of siberia, the northen lights, of such desolation that beauty is harsh and stark, love is wordless and the coldest coldest coldest wind still brings the warmest feelings.

it is a grey sky, these are wintry days.

you once said, it was such a trying road, before we got here.

it is still trying, now you're a night and day, ten thousand miles and an ocean away. it will be more trying yet because so many are rooting for us to fail.

but always in an instant, i hear my phone, your message arrive in duplicate, jumbled and quite late. but it is your message and you thought of me, and you must know, that i am thinking of you too.

things to do before the weekend:

1. DONE
2. DONE
3. DONE
4. DONE
5. type up and submit interview reports
6. DONE
7. DONE
8. clear out the fridge by the end of the week
9. DONE
10. pack! (for chile and singapore)
11. DONE!
12. change to singtel sim card for roaming in chile
13. DONE!
14. run!
15. DEFERRED

(sigh. it constantly depresses me to see to-do lists, and it's thursday already tomorrow!)

i was talking to my brother online and asking him if he was prepared for japan. he said he feels he hasn't gotten enough warm clothes since japan will be pretty cold at 10 degrees C.

to which i exclaimed, 10 degrees C is perfectly fine! i would be thrilled to have that here!

i was thrilled to see tomorrow's temperature rise above 0, and then even MORE thrilled that this sunday's temperature is a reported 8 degrees celsius. 8 degrees! what a luxury! (especially when you have been struggling with -9 feels like -17s >.<)

but i was absolutely clapping in delight when i looked at the weather forecast for santiago and it's sunny at 28 degrees celsius when i'm there. this sort of temperature has long become a stranger to me and now FINALLY i'll be back in lands of sweltering heat ^.^

(though mostly except for some insane joyous moments at warm days, i feel so at a loss without you around.)

just, happy. in my small little way, at this little growing sprig of love. ^.^

there's something completely crazy going on when i realise i'm looking at the weather forecast and feeling extremely hsppy as long as i get anything above zero.

>.<

(so this is winter, brisk and cold)

i really really really got awasi and i'm still in some state of disbelief as i read about the designated 4 wheel drive, driver and guide (just for me!), the private bungalow with outdoor shower and tub, the extremely yummilicious sounding food and wine, breakfast delivered! happy!!!

i got awasi for my chile trip because of a last minute cancellation.

i know, i am very blessed in these little ways, and so many more. so with all else, i have the responsibility to regard as karma and just deserts and to just suck it up and bear it.

but while there are 10000 random people i may not care about in this furor, i apologize for the few friends i really appreciated and really held close to my heart over this semester, with whom i may have been an idiot with because i didn't know to explain everything, and handle the situation better.

please, let me apologize.

snowstorm in boston today, and by the time i finished the one and a half hour trek across snow along memorial drive, my hair was frozen with ICE.

still, it was quite an adventure, so i really think i can live in siberia for a month! ^o^

i was scribbling the date on my notes in class today and for a moment i thought, it can't be right, it's already december of 2007!

but it is, and work's being completed on schedule as the semester draws to a close so i'm rather pleased with myself.

i always feel a little disjointed with the way years are divided having been a student so much, it doesn't feel like a year is ending quite yet. and it's weird to imagine that i was a student at two different places, in two different courses, for two different degrees in this one calendar year.

but 2007 is ending although i'm only halfway through my time in boston.

i'm still a little speechless at what has transpired in this past year alone. i feel incredibly incredibly blessed even through the trying times and it seems everything is slowly falling into place.

so now it's the last stretch of hard work before a very anticipated winter break in chile and singapore!

time to think about resolutions for the new year maybe?

some thing which slipped my mind to mention in the insanity of work and other things going on is the amazing fact that we (cn, kc and i) actually won at the montreal casino!

the first time i won at a casino was two years ago when philip and i were in vegas where we won on our first round of betting at roulette.

at montreal, it happened again, twice! first we were at the sicbo table and decided to bet on the numbers 4 (because of the superbly high returns) and 7 (because it came up quite frequently). on the second round of betting, the number 7 came up and we won! (we then proceeded to whittle the winnings away although we kept our capital)

then we moved to roulette and decided on the 4 and 7 thing again. and! amazingly, we won at the second round of betting when 7 came up again! this time we wisely walked away with the winnings (and if you know the roulette odds, in terms of returns for capital it was really pretty good given our small capital)

so i feel quite lucky at roulette really, and the feeling of seeing the ball land right on your number is... amazing.

(on a side note, at vegas, phil and i betted on 1, 6, 8 because our rental carplate was 168. our winning number then was 8. at montreal, my original intent was to bet on 4, 8, 16 because our carplate was 44 and actually although we didn't win off it, the winning number for the first round was actually 8 again =P rent a car if you're headed to the casino!)

disclaimer: this blog author does not encourage gambling. minors should never gamble.

last stretch of intense work before the christmas break (which itself will be intensely filled)

my heart, is lighter, because i really really really trust. =)

it is so miserable to feel sick. i think winter doesn't agree with me much and i still can't imagine why i would feel cold with a sweater and jacket in a room with the thermostat turned up to 29 degrees celsius.

(nor why my silly gastric is continually giving me problems just when i have so many things due.)

but courage and fortitude yx!

in another random yx moment! i'll be back in singapore on the 5th of jan! ^o^

sun, swim and lots of driving............................!

1. a.m.

i've been waking up feeling extremely cold these days. my hands and feet would feel numb and tingly and cold although i've been wrapped in fleece and blanket all night, and the room temperature is set to a slightly insane 29 celsius.

the day looms so ominously after the recent decision. i kept myself in bed long after i was awake, for one more dream of you.

sometimes, the worries of this world seem too crass to me. their concerns so belittling of the greater things in life. but then i remember, it was years we thought we had to wait, what do these days matter?

and they don't, because there were a lot of things i couldn't have done. for all my pride, i would never have been able to accomplish such a distance to save it alone. but there are things which mean more than that, and this is it. ^.^

sitting in the airy lounge with its wide windows and woody scent of new furniture and carpet and gazing at the snow falling in flurries outside. even as i watch the minute tick by on the clock outside, looming deadlines notwithstanding, i feel in love with this world, this snow, this cold.

and i think, anyone, anyone could brave the desolations to be with you, deserts or snowfields, but how many can show you how to feel, and how many can write the stars?

this year was full of first times in terms of travelling =)

on the maine trip, i camped for the first time, brought no high-heels/make-up for the first time, attacked a lobster with my bare hands for the first time.

on the new york/philly trip, i travelled alone for the first time, ate in a restaurant alone for the first time and ran in the streets of new york city for the first time.

on the montreal/quebec trip, i drove an suv for the first time (and found my speed reach 90 mph at one point), truly enjoyed the snow and cold for the first time and travelled in all male company for the first time.

next trip chile! i will be in a desert for the first time, travelling to a non-english speaking country alone for the first time and drinking chilean wine for the first time!